Parents
Getting through the first year: what nobody tells you
A collection of things that are true, are widely experienced, and are almost never said aloud.
The gap between how the first year is described and how it is experienced is wide enough that many parents conclude something has gone wrong with theirs.
You may not love it
Enjoying some parts and not others is the standard experience.
Many people find the newborn stage genuinely difficult and enjoy the second half of the year considerably more.
Finding it boring at times is common — caring for an infant involves long stretches of repetitive activity, and saying so does not mean you love the baby less.
Being told to cherish every moment while in the middle of the worst sleep deprivation of your life is unhelpful, and you are permitted to ignore it.
You may grieve your old life
Widely felt and rarely admitted.
Loss of autonomy, spontaneity, professional identity, sleep, body, income and friendships is real, and grieving them is compatible with wanting the child.
The version of yourself that existed before does not simply resume, and there is a period of adjustment that is genuinely a loss as well as a gain.
People who acknowledge this appear to adjust better than those who suppress it.
The comparison is corrosive
And is now constant.
Social media presents edited versions of other people's experiences, and content about infant sleep, development and feeding is overwhelmingly produced by people selling something.
Babies vary enormously, and a baby who sleeps is a baby who sleeps rather than evidence of parenting technique.
Reducing the input is a legitimate intervention, and many people report that unfollowing accounts improved their first year more than any product.
Advice will contradict itself
Because guidance changes, contexts differ and much of it is opinion.
The reliable sources are national health services, professional bodies and clinicians who know your child.
Where advice conflicts, the useful questions are whether it is a safety matter — in which case follow current national guidance — or a preference, in which case you may choose.
And you are allowed to stop reading, which is frequently the most restful decision available.
Some things are worth being firm about
A short list where the evidence is strong enough to hold against pressure.
Safe sleep.
Car seats.
Nobody with a cold sore kissing a newborn.
Never shaking a baby, and putting them down safely when overwhelmed.
Seeking urgent help for a fever in a baby under three months.
And getting help for your own mental health.
Almost everything else is negotiable.
The practical things worth doing
Which repay the effort.
Learn infant first aid.
Make a will and name a guardian.
Check what benefits and entitlements you qualify for.
Book any appointments you have been postponing for yourself.
Take photographs of the ordinary days rather than only the occasions.
Write down a few things, since the detail disappears entirely.
And join one regular local thing, which is the main defence against isolation.
It changes faster than it feels
The observation everyone makes afterwards.
Every difficult phase in the first year is temporary, generally lasting weeks rather than months.
The relentlessness of the newborn period does not persist.
Sleep improves for every child eventually.
The baby who cannot be put down will walk away from you within a year.
Which is genuinely impossible to believe while inside a bad week, and is the thing most worth being told by someone on the other side of it.
Ask for help earlier than feels reasonable
The single most repeated regret.
Feeding support, mental health support, practical help, sleep advice and medical assessment are all more effective earlier.
Almost nobody who sought help says they wish they had waited.
And the professionals whose job this is would considerably rather see you at week two than at month six.
General information only, not medical advice. Talk to a health visitor, midwife or clinician if you are struggling, and seek urgent help for thoughts of harming yourself or your baby.
