Behaviour in the second year

The behaviour that appears in the second year is frequently interpreted as a child testing boundaries deliberately, and the developmental explanation is considerably more useful.

What is actually happening

Several things at once.

A toddler now has intentions, preferences and a sense of themselves as separate.

They have almost no capacity for self-regulation, since the brain systems that manage impulse control and emotional regulation develop over many years and are barely present at this age.

They have limited language, so frustration cannot be expressed in words.

And they have no understanding of time, consequence or the reasons behind adult decisions.

Which produces a creature with strong desires, no ability to manage the feelings when those desires are frustrated, and no way to explain.

Tantrums are the predictable result, and they are a developmental stage rather than a behaviour problem.

What tantrums are

Emotional overload rather than manipulation.

During a full tantrum a child is not able to reason, listen or negotiate, because the systems required are offline.

Which means that explaining, arguing, bargaining and threatening during one are all ineffective.

Common triggers: tiredness, hunger, overstimulation, transitions, being unable to do something, being unable to communicate, and being told no.

The first two account for a substantial proportion, which is why timing outings around sleep and food prevents more than any technique.

What to do during one

The approach with the best support.

Stay calm, since a child cannot borrow regulation from an adult who has lost theirs.

Keep them safe and stay nearby.

Say little — a few words, repeated, acknowledging the feeling.

Do not try to reason or teach during it.

Do not give in to the demand after refusing, since that teaches that escalation works — though changing your mind before the tantrum, on reflection, is fine.

Offer comfort when they are ready, which some children want immediately and others need space before.

And once it has passed, move on without a lecture.

Preventing them

More effective than managing them.

Protect sleep and food timing, which are the largest modifiable factors.

Give warnings before transitions, which are a major trigger.

Offer limited choices, which provides autonomy within limits — two options rather than an open question.

Say yes where you can, so that no means something.

Make the environment permissive, so that fewer things need forbidding.

Describe what to do rather than what not to do, since young children process the instruction better.

Build in physical activity and time outdoors.

And keep expectations age-appropriate, since sitting still, sharing and waiting are all beyond most toddlers.

Boundaries

Which are necessary and are not the same as punishment.

Consistency matters more than severity — a limit that holds is more effective than a harsh one that does not.

Follow through on what you say, which means only saying things you will do.

Keep the number of rules small and about safety and other people.

Physical removal from a situation is an appropriate response at this age, calmly.

And note that children at this age forget and repeat, which is not defiance but memory and impulse control, and requires repetition rather than escalation.

What the evidence says about punishment

Worth stating.

Physical punishment has a substantial evidence base associating it with worse behavioural outcomes, more aggression and poorer mental health, with no evidence of benefit — and it is now prohibited in a growing number of countries.

Shouting is associated with similar though smaller effects.

Time-out is contested, with evidence supporting brief, calm, developmentally appropriate use as part of a wider positive parenting approach, and criticism where it is used punitively or with very young children.

The approaches with the best evidence overall are structured positive parenting programmes, which are available free or cheaply in many areas and which most parents never hear about.

Biting, hitting and throwing

Common and alarming.

They are usually communication in a child without words: frustration, overwhelm, or seeking a reaction.

The response: a brief, calm, immediate statement that it hurts; attention to the child who was hurt; removal from the situation if it repeats; and identifying the trigger, which is usually predictable.

Extended lectures and dramatic reactions increase the behaviour by making it interesting.

It generally resolves as language develops.

When to seek advice

Features worth raising.

Tantrums that are extremely frequent, very long, or involve self-injury.

Aggression that is severe or does not respond to consistent approaches.

Behaviour that does not fit the developmental picture, or that is accompanied by developmental or language concerns.

Parental exhaustion or a sense of not coping, which is a valid reason on its own.

And any situation where you are worried about your own responses, which is common, is treatable, and should be said out loud rather than carried.

General information only, not medical advice. Consult your health visitor or a clinician about behaviour concerns, and ask about parenting programmes, which are frequently available free.